There will always be people who throw tomatoes, the people who rain on someone else’s parade. I’m of the opinion; you are doing something right, if someone speaks against you. To everyone who participated in, “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You,” thank you – for each one of you has inspired me to be a greater person then I was 24 hours ago and I’m sorry that other people have taken it to be something more then what it is.
Acknowledging a fear, is the first step in recovery, even if it’s admitting to yourself that running will never be a hobby of yours; growth is a part of life.
It’s taken me roughly five years to be able to open up and even to this day I don’t think I do it nearly as often as I could. I was given the “A.S.S” award in high school (acronyms for Always Safe and Secretive) and even as much as I try to let go of it, there is still some part of me that has held on. It’s about realizing that sometimes we cannot heal on our own and we need to step forth and open our hand, to anyone, before someone will and can grasp it.
I have abnormal hormone levels/issues (outside of the typical female pms). I can go from bawling my eyes out, to laughing like a maniac, to perfectly fine within 30 seconds. It’s not normal. The only way to keep it down, according to my doctor, is to be on light anti-depressants all the time.
I’ve been in and out of the doctors for female related issues over the last five years. Family history is a huge part of my life and seeing how I take after my Father in a lot of ways, I worry that I won’t be able to have a child and pass on the Mulholland genes. I was a surprise baby; they told my Father he wouldn’t be able to have children.
I don’t have my drivers license. I feel like people look at me like I’m less of a person, because of it and I’ve had to constantly defend my choice of not learning how to drive, but what boils down to it – is I’m scared. Driving a car with so many other vehicles around on tiny roads, with my high chance of zoning out in the middle, scares the crap out of me. Every time it’s brought up and they look at me with those pitiful eyes and say, “I don’t understand why you can’t just do it?” makes me feel even more guilty and even more scared.
I tried committing suicide once. The fact that I can still slip into a cry-every-day-walk-around-like-a-zombie-feeling-nothing depression so easily and just recently (one week ago), has me terrified, but even more determined to hold on strong.
Sometimes I feel like I was born ten years too late. As much as I try to accept I’ll never have friends that I can see face-to-face, I constantly worry that I’m stuck in this zone where I’m too young to hang out with people I relate with and mentally too old to hang out with people my own age.