Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

There will always be people who throw tomatoes, the people who rain on someone else’s parade. I’m of the opinion; you are doing something right, if someone speaks against you. To everyone who participated in, “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You,” thank you – for each one of you has inspired me to be a greater person then I was 24 hours ago and I’m sorry that other people have taken it to be something more then what it is.

Acknowledging a fear, is the first step in recovery, even if it’s admitting to yourself that running will never be a hobby of yours; growth is a part of life.

It’s taken me roughly five years to be able to open up and even to this day I don’t think I do it nearly as often as I could. I was given the “A.S.S” award in high school (acronyms for Always Safe and Secretive) and even as much as I try to let go of it, there is still some part of me that has held on. It’s about realizing that sometimes we cannot heal on our own and we need to step forth and open our hand, to anyone, before someone will and can grasp it.

Thank you to Jess Constable and Ez Pudewa for giving all of us the nudge to extend our reach.

I have abnormal hormone levels/issues (outside of the typical female pms). I can go from bawling my eyes out, to laughing like a maniac, to perfectly fine within 30 seconds. It’s not normal. The only way to keep it down, according to my doctor, is to be on light anti-depressants all the time.

I’ve been in and out of the doctors for female related issues over the last five years. Family history is a huge part of my life and seeing how I take after my Father in a lot of ways, I worry that I won’t be able to have a child and pass on the Mulholland genes. I was a surprise baby; they told my Father he wouldn’t be able to have children.

I don’t have my drivers license. I feel like people look at me like I’m less of a person, because of it and I’ve had to constantly defend my choice of not learning how to drive, but what boils down to it – is I’m scared. Driving a car with so many other vehicles around on tiny roads, with my high chance of zoning out in the middle, scares the crap out of me. Every time it’s brought up and they look at me with those pitiful eyes and say, “I don’t understand why you can’t just do it?” makes me feel even more guilty and even more scared.

I tried committing suicide once. The fact that I can still slip into a cry-every-day-walk-around-like-a-zombie-feeling-nothing depression so easily and just recently (one week ago), has me terrified, but even more determined to hold on strong.

Sometimes I feel like I was born ten years too late. As much as I try to accept I’ll never have friends that I can see face-to-face, I constantly worry that I’m stuck in this zone where I’m too young to hang out with people I relate with and mentally too old to hang out with people my own age.

Share Your Thoughts

  1. What a beautiful post. I have been reading through some of the participants’ posts and yours really touched me. One of the items on my own list also regards not driving. It meant alot to see someone else had listed it too.

    I am so sorry to read of your troubles. I hope your doctor helps you to feel strong and stable. I’m glad you’re alive.

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  3. I’ve loved going through the linked up posts, but yours has particularly resonated with me. Something about the slipping into a crying mess at the drop of a hat, and the mention about worrying about fertility for later. You are so brave for sharing, and I just want to say thank you for your honesty. It’s so nice to read something real.


    Thank you so so so much for posting this. I’ve never talked to anyone else who doesn’t drive which has led me to lie about not having a license. I tell everyone its expired and that, since I’m in college in a big city, I don’t need to drive so I don’t need to renew it.

    The truth is, I’m so afraid. I’m afraid that I’ll cause an accident or be victim to a drunk driver. I’m just so afraid.

    It’s so embarrassing because, and obviously, everyone knows how to drive. Sixteen year old high schoolers can drive. I feel like a 20 year old loser.

    I’m hoping that one day (maybe this summer) I’ll pluck up the courage to learn and at least have a license, but there is a small part of me that doesn’t ever want to. I’m completely content with always being a passenger and if I live in a city with amazing public transport, I wouldn’t need a car anyways.

    Again, thanks for sharing and helping me realize that I’m not the only one out there.

  5. You are so courageous, Heather. It gives hope to others knowing that we are not alone in some things. Please know that YOU are not alone. Hang tough!!!

  6. Dearest Heather,
    I just discovered your blog through the “things I’m afraid to tell you”campaign. And your oh so honest testimonial kind of comes like a shock “wauw like me”
    – don’t have a license either, partly because i don’t need one, living in a city, but partly because I honestly don’t think I’m physically able to get one, with all these other cars and distractions and fatigue or dreaminess that can fall upon me any minute. Didn’t use to care, but now i’d like to have a more quiet life in the countryside… so I m starting to feel teh license issue as a social handicap.
    – have severe and sudden moodswings too, cannot seem to cope with sudden stress and anger, can’t control my reaction (hence why i’m looking into developping a new career, working from home
    I recently came across a doctor working with hormone supplements (cortisone and DHEA) but all other doctors I consult seem opposite and think it’s too controversial and untested. Do u have any experience in this field?
    Anyhow, thank you so much for opening up to us, it takes a lot of courage! And our society is still so driven to perfection and easy remedies. Thank you from teh bottom of my heart

  7. It takes a lot to share things like this Heather and I’m proud of you! I agree with Jess, it’s so easy to think bloggers have magical lives taking photos, designing and interacting but we’re all people. Broken, usually. I’m glad we’ve “met.”

  8. Heather;
    I want you to know that I was scanning through the blogs of the people who participated in the challenge because secretly I wondered if any of them were going to really take it to a REAL place. Honestly, maybe I wanted to know if any of them had any dirty little secrets that were as nasty as some of mine.
    Most of them confessed on not being as tidy or perfect as their blogs portrayed them…I’m thinking Wahhhh big deal!
    Until I read yours!
    It is perfect, honest and real and so so impressive. You nailed it by admitting to your depression and physical problems. I too have suffered from depression and anxiety (and not about the dirt under my fridge) Real anxiety.
    I even had a nervous breakdown a few years ago – and was hospitalized for 2 weeks. I get it.
    You are so brave and honest and I just wanted you to know that I admire you so much for that!
    I hope you get the help with your depression. Because I know how terrible it is. I am going to be thinking of you and praying that you find your way out!
    There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it just might not be a train coming at you!! It might be a really happy life.
    You can contact me anytime if you want to!

  9. I can totally relate to this. I’m an only child who had no cousing growing up. I spent most of my chilhood around adults and have never made friends with my peers easily. I find that my closest friends are 10+ years older than I am.

  10. Wow, what a post, Heather. Thank you so much for sharing—I can’t even begin to imagine. It’s always interesting to see, though, what goes on in our blogger friends’ lives. There’s so much more to all of us than we reveal on our blogs, at least immediately. (Or prior to this challenge.) Stay strong.

    I didn’t have my driver’s license until last year, actually. I failed my first two times because I was in college and didn’t ever practice. I moved to Ohio and had to get it for work, and that involved me having to learn how to drive Zach’s car (in manual). I learned, I took the test, and I don’t find driving so scary. But I understand what you mean—I hate that pity that people feel. I even get it now because I don’t own a car (we live downtown—where the heck would I park it anyway?). So cast their negativity aside. You’ve clearly been able to get by on your own just fine, car-free.